"Me da gusto verte."

"It's good to see you."  

a new Spanish phrase we learned last week.  We're in Mexico now, living in Porvenir - a tiny town of 1,000 with dirt roads and tiny stores and lots of dogs, children, stars, and shy, smiley people. We love this town, and we accept the challenge of learning a language gladly.  The weather is beautiful, and we are lucky to be here.  

Living in community - especially a small one - is really hard.  I feel sometimes that it's harder for me than the average joe, and as I realize this I'm also realizing that I grew up spending a lot of time alone.  My brother was six years younger than I, and much quieter, so while we played sometimes as kids, I, being older, bossier, and mature for my age and he being quiet, submissive, and content to play alone, we for the most part left each other alone.  I had a vivid imagination, and was full of dreams, and I think I spent a great deal of my childhood in the branches of a certain tree, inventing people and conversations and situations and playing them out in my head.  

Now, as I have found myself more and more the past few years living in community I recognize in myself this desire to pull away, and a fear of vulnerability that comes from interacting daily with the same people.  I think that I can hide my emotions, moods, bad habits, and general crappiness from others, but in reality this is impossible, and sometimes it makes me crazy.  It's the most gut-wrenching type of honesty, and I'm learning it slowly and actually I wonder if I'm learning it at all.  I long for "our own place" from which to come and go, in and out of communication and interaction with others.  It sounds safe to me, because I could choose when to stay and when to venture.  

Nat seems to adjust much better than I, and in my opinion the depth and reality of his good character is really visible in circumstances like ours.  While I can get stressed, nervous, irritated and hurt he generally remains calm, bold, kind and humble.  A great chapter in the book we are going through, "Sacred Marriage," describes this well in the chapter entitled: The Cleansing of Marriage - How Marriage Exposes Our Sin.  That is a painfully true statement already; being engaged has exposed us; dating exposed us!

I have much more to say about this, but Nat is tapping at the window - taptaptap - taptaptap. (That's the code knock so I know it's him) We've taken to talking through my window so he can sit on the porch, since there aren't very many places where we can talk in private.  

Anyway - this was just a little burst of thought I had as I started typing.  I pray that God continues to teach me and open my heart about living closely with other people, and that I will begin to see the freedom that comes from being really seen.  My Creator sees me... I am loved. Perhaps I should stop focusing on the created (me) and start focusing on Him... ?

Yes.  Duh.

-ellen