! Parents Are Here !

All the students' parents have arrived for the Parents Weekend. Tonight at dinner, Nat and I (and all the students) have to give a small presentation/speech. Nat and I will be talking about each of our girls/guys about the ways that they have each grown, changed, and transformed over the past 8 months we have had them. What I want to know is: Why - oh why - on earth am I so nervous?? I think it's because I'm feeling a little bit void of clarity and insight the past few days. My mind feels all cloudy and still reeling from Culiacan, and I know it's ridiculous to be nervous, which doesn't help at all. These are my girls. Each of whom I love dearly, and spend every day with. Why would it make me nervous to tell their parents what I've loved seeing in them, the things I've watched, how it has been, etc...?

Ok, you know what. I'm just going to get over it. This is nothing to freak out about. This is a great opportunity to encourage the parents and families that their loved one who is doing Ventana is wonderful and special, and why... This is not about me in any way. I am selfish to be nervous about it. It's a chance, not a test, and I want to take this chance willingly, without stressing out about it internally and then being so surprised when it turns out ok.

[truthfully - i can't wait to go to bed tonight when it is all over... and have a whole day off tomorrow...]

but Lord - you are with us. I pray that you be whispering softly in the hearts of Nat and I as we seek to portray the work You have been doing in Ventana this year. Help me not to be selfish. Help me to stand their humbly, unconcerned with what I look like or what my hair is doing, and to take a deep breath and then - whatever You would like me to say, I'll say. I pray for calm assurance, warm friendliness, and clear speech. I love you, Father. Thank You for loving me despite my ridiculousness.

sheepishly,

ellen

[to memorize]:

Don't lost a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others.

With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.

2 Peter 1:6-9

back into the routine...

well we are back from our two-week mission trip to Culiacan. It was an intense time. Each day we visited a different camp where indigenous people working on huge farms lived to go door-to-door and "diagnose" - figure out, via tape recorder which Indian dialect they spoke - and then to hand out evangelical cassettes and cds in their language. After that we showed a Jesus movie, and then gave an invitation to accept Christ. During this time, a few of us were also playing, singing and doing crafts with the kids... Throughout most of the trip, most of us as white people felt a bit useless and lost, as the missionaries we worked with spoke mostly all Spanish. With our 2 real translators, and then myself, Liz and Jerry filling in when possible, communication was a struggle sometimes. However, the people were beautiful. The Christians we met were admirable, strong people who had surrendered their lives completely for the furthering of God's message. They were passionate, charismatic, expressive ~ when they prayed and sang their faces shown with the evidence of their belief that God was right there, listening and accepting and loving and forgiving.

It's good to be back home, too. The first two nights I fell asleep early, and woke up at 6:30 or 7 the following morning, fully awake. [this is VERY unlike me] I would also wake up 5 or 6 times throughout the night, and usually at least once at 4am. My sleeping seems to have evened out now, and I am just adjusting to getting back in the swing of things here.

I'll write more later. For now, I have to clean up the huge mess of crafting supplies spread out on my floor. I am excited to someday have a little room that I can turn into an art studio.

Cathy Riley Photoshoot [impromptu]

i had a lot of fun playing with these and changing the colors. it was after a long, busy weekend [my hair had been sporting the braid for a solid 24 hours] and we were by no means feeling ready for photos...


i think they turned out beautifully despite that, and i'm thinking these might make an appearance on some kind of upcoming wedding stationary. : )

fin.

"Me da gusto verte."

"It's good to see you."  

a new Spanish phrase we learned last week.  We're in Mexico now, living in Porvenir - a tiny town of 1,000 with dirt roads and tiny stores and lots of dogs, children, stars, and shy, smiley people. We love this town, and we accept the challenge of learning a language gladly.  The weather is beautiful, and we are lucky to be here.  

Living in community - especially a small one - is really hard.  I feel sometimes that it's harder for me than the average joe, and as I realize this I'm also realizing that I grew up spending a lot of time alone.  My brother was six years younger than I, and much quieter, so while we played sometimes as kids, I, being older, bossier, and mature for my age and he being quiet, submissive, and content to play alone, we for the most part left each other alone.  I had a vivid imagination, and was full of dreams, and I think I spent a great deal of my childhood in the branches of a certain tree, inventing people and conversations and situations and playing them out in my head.  

Now, as I have found myself more and more the past few years living in community I recognize in myself this desire to pull away, and a fear of vulnerability that comes from interacting daily with the same people.  I think that I can hide my emotions, moods, bad habits, and general crappiness from others, but in reality this is impossible, and sometimes it makes me crazy.  It's the most gut-wrenching type of honesty, and I'm learning it slowly and actually I wonder if I'm learning it at all.  I long for "our own place" from which to come and go, in and out of communication and interaction with others.  It sounds safe to me, because I could choose when to stay and when to venture.  

Nat seems to adjust much better than I, and in my opinion the depth and reality of his good character is really visible in circumstances like ours.  While I can get stressed, nervous, irritated and hurt he generally remains calm, bold, kind and humble.  A great chapter in the book we are going through, "Sacred Marriage," describes this well in the chapter entitled: The Cleansing of Marriage - How Marriage Exposes Our Sin.  That is a painfully true statement already; being engaged has exposed us; dating exposed us!

I have much more to say about this, but Nat is tapping at the window - taptaptap - taptaptap. (That's the code knock so I know it's him) We've taken to talking through my window so he can sit on the porch, since there aren't very many places where we can talk in private.  

Anyway - this was just a little burst of thought I had as I started typing.  I pray that God continues to teach me and open my heart about living closely with other people, and that I will begin to see the freedom that comes from being really seen.  My Creator sees me... I am loved. Perhaps I should stop focusing on the created (me) and start focusing on Him... ?

Yes.  Duh.

-ellen

"would you just CONSIDER..."

long distance just really doesn't suit. we are so lucky to be living so close together really - at least in the same country, but it does get hard to be far away and only have the phone when we have been used to so much of each other for the past months. it seems so much easier to misunderstand words and tones when you can't see eyes and faces...


anyway, so on thursday i said (via text): "would you just CONSIDER maybe coming to my house this weekend? or maybe from Sunday-Monday." he replied, "of course i will consider it!" we found a great deal on Megabus, and he will be here in 6 hours!

i am not supposed to be thinking about this, but he was hesitant to come this weekend only because he was planning on taking a lot of time to plan a "huge surprise." He says that on a scale of 1-10, 10 being proposing, and 1 being a pair of socks from Target, it's an 8. How am I to put such a thing out of my mind?? I tell you.

I ordered The Message//Remix: Solo in the mail - it's a year-long devotional book, and I am committed to doing it at least until August 9th, and then going from there. They are short passages that follow the Lectio Divina method of Bible-study - which means you read it several times, pick out a key phrase or word that stands out to you, and pray/journal. I think "lectio divina" means "divine word" but I am not sure.

next time, i want to write about an online journal that i read that talks about how there is nothing like being a fiancee or a spouse that reveals more clearly our own sin. i feel like there aren't big, strong enough words left to express how true this has been.

Sometime in the next few days i am going to try on my first wedding dress...! I am a little nervous. It feels very important. Official. Very, very, very exciting.

Love,

Ellen

Beginning.

Here we are, world!

August 9th, 2008 is the day... we can't wait.

Much more to come very soon!